"My life was like a runaway Xerox machine reproducing its contents ad infinitum."

— Reid, Episode 241

"I love being intimate with straight people."

— Reid, Episode 39

"A podcast... is truly just a phone call between friends."

— Reid, Episode 173

"You're making me uncomfortable. Do you want to see me dance?"

— Reid, Episode 179

"I’m trying to think of the description we could write for this episode: AIDS and Ikea."

— Reid, Episode 13

"Someone came out and said, ‘Reid and Harriet’... and they just looked at us and went, ‘iconic.’"

— Reid, Episode 333

"Do absolutely no Googling of the thing you think you might have."

— Reid, Episode 171

"Am I anxiety-level death camps, or am I anxiety-level terrorists? Raw milk? Where am I on that scale?"

— Reid, Episode 386

"I was the Arya Stark of dance competitions — I would take their name."

— Michelle Mola, Episode 15

"When I saw my skeleton? Not good."

— Jeremy, Episode 452

"So jury duty was tremendous."

— Reid, Episode 140

"My breakfast was Sara Lee frozen chocolate cake."

— Miki Orihara, Episode 99

"Parker Posey, that dancer who acts."

— Jack, Episode 297

"When I tell you we’re alone, we’re alone."

— Jack, Episode 156

"It’s like milking a cow or jerking off your boyfriend... with the back of a comb."

— Reid, Episode 97

"“I’m a homeowner.” Okay. “I’m an iPad owner.”"

— Jeremy, Episode 286

"I say no to the It Gets Better campaign. I want to let you know. It gets worse."

— Reid, Episode 79

"New York is good, right? Even though it's awful. It's great. We love it, and it's hard."

— Reid, Episode 224

"It's children's theater in the sense that it's made by children."

— Reid, Episode 437

"We're recording from the bed today. We're laying in bed."

— Reid, Episode 134

"Instead of, you know, fighting fascism, we fight fashion."

— Reid, Episode 425

"Our cross-training was like Studio 54. Friday and Saturday."

— Jack, Episode 138

"As I was lying on my back in his studio legs akimbo... I farted."

— Reid, Episode 238

"It was exactly like hearing a toilet flush."

— Jack, Episode 199

"Gristedes has the worst vibes of any place in the whole world."

— Reid, Episode 261

"Peonies… they are in a way obscene."

— Jeremy, Episode 311

"Riding the Worm in IMAX... this is not like watching someone ride a worm. This is like riding a worm."

— Jeremy, Episode 353

"Ghosts are a sham. What a racket."

— Jack, Episode 82

"Add it to the list of reasons not to have a child."

— Reid, Episode 251

"Do you have a red pen? ... you better find one so you can cross your name off the fucking cast list."

— Jack, Episode 12

"Separate bedrooms, a must. That's my most important advice to everybody."

— Isaac Mizrahi, Episode 88

"Rihanna plays liquid soap that can turn into a pole dancer and then she dies."

— Reid, Episode 37

"I want to be a responsible hater."

— Reid, Episode 345

"I don't watch dancing anymore, which is a relief."

— Reid, Episode 301

"Tim Gunn is home in the evening, putting a towel over his lap, eating boiled noodles with jarred spaghetti sauce..."

— Reid, Episode 217

"It looks like a group of 30 adults doing, like, two hours of tummy time."

— Reid, Episode 319

"If you're going to be in a movie for 12 seconds, you want it to be in the trailer."

— Reid, Episode 345

"Fugue state realness, honey."

— Jack, Episode 176

"He’ll tell a whole rally of people that Arnold Palmer had a big dick."

— Reid, Episode 383

"I paid $65 to see that show. Disgusting."

— Reid, Episode 377

"Read a book, but don't put it on stage."

— Reid, Episode 141

"Where's my self-care? What about me?"

— Jack, Episode 194

"It's just an anemic Snickers bar, right?"

— Reid, Episode 204

"It’s really like flying in a toilet at this point."

— Jack, Episode 29

"If you feel it... get rid of everything, everything, even if it sparks joy."

— Reid, Episode 81

"Ladies, gentlemen, and other, what is there to say about this political time? But donate where you can."

— Reid, Episode 71

"Never has the proposition or the speculative nature of Blade Runner seemed more accurate."

— Reid, Episode 311

"I sat in the X-ray chair for an hour. I felt like I was on an episode of Chernobyl."

— Ida Praetorius, Episode 110

"Trees are people too."

— Jack, Episode 81

"I literally went up to him and said, ‘Isaac, I love you.’ And he goes, ‘Oh, well, I like you.’"

— Reid, Episode 23

"Nomi's next to me licking her butt. What's there to lose?"

— Jeremy, Episode 378

"The lights were going down, and the curtain was going up, and he turns to me and says, ‘Should we get married?’"

— Brian Schaefer, Episode 117

"A Speedo, darling. What else do you wear?"

— Isaac Mizrahi, Episode 87

"This is the opposite of Tár. This donkey is giving an A-plus performance by not doing anything."

— Jeremy, Episode 299

"I like fall in love with people, and then I'm like, I'm going to make something that makes you look amazing."

— Jack, Episode 54

"Cellulitis, which is an infection that goes under the skin, starring Scarlett Johansson."

— Jack, Episode 168

"I would sob hysterically if Michael Fassbender was in my bed and was gonna fuck me."

— Jack, Episode 11

"We’ll watch movies with sunglasses… sunglasses, earplugs… We’ll have potatoes in my pocket. Like hot potatoes."

— Reid, Episode 20

"I have a fear that gravity will shut off on Earth and we'll all start floating up."

— Reid, Episode 240

"Do you have any fried sparrows?"

— Jibz Cameron aka Dynasty Handbag, Episode 22

"I'm faking it for our audience."

— Jeremy, Episode 359

"If you'd like to go on a date with a depressed person... slide into our DMs."

— Reid, Episode 303

"It's like a macaron on a Sunday."

— Jack, Episode 6

"I do have to bedazzle a corset before the show so I am going to give us a kind of like 45 minute cut off."

— Reid, Episode 254

"If someone's drowning, you're not supposed to go in yourself because they'll pull you down, which is also a metaphor."

— Reid, Episode 7

"Fighting depression by clowning around."

— Jeremy, Episode 438

"The beautiful time between emails."

— Jeremy, Episode 450

"If you touch a photograph 50 years later, your fingerprint shows up."

— Linda Murray, Episode 148

"I’m a baked Alaska. I’m trying to become a baked Alaska right now."

— Jeremy, Episode 275

"They’re so rich, they don’t even care about communicating the recipe."

— Jeremy, Episode 275

"I'm recording this soundbite for John Cage's next score."

— Reid, Episode 204

"May we all get older and older and more cunt."

— Jack, Episode 78

"Anyways, fashion is evil. And we love it."

— Reid, Episode 433

"Prior to dance, it was the womb."

— Gus Solomons Jr., Episode 159

"You looked at it and you thought, now let’s see, physics would say that can’t be done. And then we would do it… So fuck physics."

— Gus Solomons Jr., Episode 160

"I am uniquely qualified to be paid to make decisions."

— Reid, Episode 348

"I rummaged through the garbage cans... found some grocery store bags, and I just squatted down and took a dump in them."

— Jack, Episode 103

"Can you believe that Harriet and I work on Broadway now after all I've said to disparage the form itself?"

— Reid, Episode 248

"We weren’t asking for your approval."

— Netta Yerushalmy, Episode 89

"Burn me up and throw me in the trash."

— Reid, Episode 137

"When you look at your ticket, and it says row 53, you really have a moment where you take pause and think, what even is a plane?"

— Reid, Episode 284

"If someone wanted me, then I'm going to go—because what's better than being wanted?"

— Lar Lubovitch, Episode 21

"The teens are so tall. Why are the teens so tall?"

— Reid, Episode 196

"The core of the earth is a jungle with dinosaurs. And the sun's out."

— Reid, Episode 101

"Garbage fabric that we got from the garbage store."

— Reid, Episode 98

"Listening to someone recount their dream is like listening to someone recount an SNL episode."

— Reid, Episode 169

"Locate for me where your taste comes from, do it."

— Jeremy, Episode 421

"Was I bored? Terribly. Did I sleep some? Absolutely."

— Reid, Episode 2

"Does anyone think they’re making dance that we haven’t seen? ... That person’s delusional."

— Reid, Episode 69

"Women love cold showers."

— Jack, Episode 138

"It’s not good to lose your body parts while you’re still alive."

— Reid, Episode 414

"You have to be so careful when casting children not to cast child actors."

— Reid, Episode 447

"Stop trying is my motto du jour."

— Jeremy, Episode 266

"Thank you, Equinox, the Starbucks of exercise."

— Reid, Episode 205

"I put the pencil on the paper and I was like, I don’t know this. I don’t know how to draw."

— Reid, Episode 252

"I like to describe him as purposely vague."

— Reid, Episode 56

"Directed by someone who does not have an ounce of camp in their body, not one ounce."

— Reid, Episode 284

"It is like a Ren Faire gone wrong."

— Reid, Episode 186

"Some people douche, I measure cornstarch."

— Jeremy, Episode 376

"Vulnerability? No, thank you. I’d rather not."

— Reid, Episode 251

"Darling, my family is whatever production I’m in at that time… and I love you, but I simply don’t have capacity."

— Parker Posey, Episode 55

"All the ghosts were out. All the nightmare people were there."

— Reid, Episode 326

"I truly cannot believe that men are allowed to do anything."

— Jack, Episode 172

"I've lived out of a suitcase for the last at least decade... I really, I just want to unpack my bags."

— David Hallberg, Episode 176

"Without structure, the mind can indeed kind of become botanical and start its own garden of like tragedy."

— Reid, Episode 64

"I don't believe in waiting for inspiration. That's like waiting to die."

— Reid, Episode 397

"Nobody gets out of here alive."

— Bill T. Jones, Episode 155

"Also, poisoning is really important. Everyone should be poisoned."

— Reid, Episode 281

"I love the idea of the Balanchine Gestapo showing up at your door."

— Reid, Episode 10

"I don't believe in most actors. Especially on stage."

— Reid, Episode 124

"No more kings and queens, please."

— Reid, Episode 195

"I think people could be a little more destroyed emotionally. That'd be good for things."

— Reid, Episode 427

"The show is basically about justice for women, but only justice for women who have $1 billion."

— Reid, Episode 438

"This bathroom isn't clean. Nothing in this house is clean."

— Jack, Episode 14

"I would love to see you try to direct a play with mentally ill people. It’s exhausting."

— Reid, Episode 396

"They just slide into the water like an asparagus."

— Reid, Episode 379

"Getting older is all about losing interest in mediocrity."

— Reid, Episode 253

"In dance, the first time you run the show is your dress rehearsal, generally. And then you perform for four nights, and then it's... throw it in the garbage."

— Reid, Episode 42

"That sound is construction happening under my apartment... it's like sitting in a massage chair, except you're not getting a massage by choice."

— Jack, Episode 25

"Far more civil than that prolapse we were exposed to last week before."

— Reid, Episode 173

"I'm hoping and praying that Erin and I bump into Miss David Mamet while we're here. Because I've got a lot to say to David Mamet, such as you're a terrible playwright."

— Jack, Episode 49

"We’re 90 years old, there’s nothing you can do to us."

— Jack, Episode 89

"We need to start a cult. Truly. It seems easy."

— Reid, Episode 335

"You have clinical depression? When will I?"

— Jack, Episode 135

"How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be left alone?"

— Reid, Episode 197

"Step your fucking pussy up and go figure it out. Literally go on Google.com."

— Reid, Episode 377

"No more dancing in costumes. Please stop. Just stand there."

— Reid, Episode 268

"Smoking is in. Death is in."

— Reid, Episode 448

"I would honestly cut people’s audio after five minutes."

— Jeremy, Episode 341

"Kentucky fried butthole."

— Jack, Episode 94

"I'm Parker Posey and we need to eat now."

— Reid, Episode 34

"I think my life is too ephemeral. I need something really repetitive and mundane that goes on forever, which is this podcast."

— Reid, Episode 96

"There is a place for us, which will be in our graves in several years."

— Reid, Episode 162

"Slay all day, Mama, that I’m not pooping my pants at the age of 42."

— Reid, Episode 334

"I am okay with eating a sandwich with a fork and knife."

— Reid, Episode 268

"I farted myself awake."

— Reid, Episode 288

"Dance is the dilemma."

— Jeremy, Episode 302

"I'm going to go out on a limb and just say like I think over time Mozart will be appreciated."

— Jeremy, Episode 378

"If you have a therapist who agrees with you, get a new one."

— Jack, Episode 186

"If you want to be an artist, be rich first. That's my advice."

— Reid, Episode 411

"Reid describing the plot of A.I. for like 20 minutes and then crying at the end. Incredible podcasting."

— Reid, Episode 264

"If the cake is bad, what good is the frosting?"

— Reid, Episode 31

"I earned the miracle. This is because I just celebrated the baby Jesus."

— Reid, Episode 440

"I switched the wires so the TV would never work, but he'd never know why."

— Larissa Velez-Jackson, Episode 25

"I have so much rage on stage."

— Jack, Episode 105

"If there's anyone listening to this podcast who has like a huge amount of disposable income... please send the three of us on a trip on the Queen Mary."

— Jack, Episode 183

"It is at its most profound, fun, and interesting when it's about absolutely nothing."

— Jeremy, Episode 264

"Paris has made a law of grayscale... that place is fascistically chic."

— Reid, Episode 356

"Just felt like a lovely — like smelling a flower — that movie."

— Reid, Episode 404

"Granola is like candy, right? Am I wrong? It's like eating a cookie."

— Jeremy, Episode 299

"I don’t think lentil soup has to be such a smoothie."

— Reid, Episode 381

"I was upset that I was being forced to lay my eyes on this film."

— Jack, Episode 175

"If you think you’re getting original costume designs — have a lot of money."

— Reid, Episode 62

"If I ever built a house, I'm putting all the pipes and wires outside the walls. I'm doing Centre Pompidou for my house."

— Jeremy, Episode 443

"Edward Scissorhands is the best Christmas movie."

— Jack, Episode 184

"People who believe in true love and destiny... seek treatment."

— Jack, Episode 151

"Fashion is over. Yeah, now it's just about like ankle stability."

— Reid, Episode 373

"If you're in New York City right now, you're poor."

— Reid, Episode 268

"As if you can genocide all you want as long as your branding is on point."

— Reid, Episode 436

"Being rich is the ticket, then you can truly work or not work."

— Reid, Episode 329

"Post-traumatic stress Dewdrop."

— Jack, Episode 91

"So basically, these are death shelves. You're going to die with these shelves."

— Reid, Episode 296

"A plane is an incredible place to experience the miraculousness and the hideousness that is the human being."

— Reid, Episode 136

"Tongue work and hand work. You're not going to believe it."

— Reid, Episode 451

"I wanted to look like PJ Harvey in 1995, so that's what I'm doing."

— Jack, Episode 53

"It’s time to let these people back in before they are dead."

— Jack, Episode 30

"There’s nothing that drains my spirit more than mediocrity."

— Jeremy, Episode 435

"People have asked me before if I can sing high notes while we're having sex."

— Anthony Roth Costanzo, Episode 24

"This is a feeling technique, not a thinking technique."

— Reid, Episode 82

"Talk about a haunted house. — Just backstage."

— Jack, Episode 72

"I texted Russell and I said, I'm profoundly depressed. And then I immediately wrote, probably because I'm in Trader Joe's."

— Reid, Episode 80

"I read the actual newspaper, which is so ridiculous of me, right?"

— Isaac Mizrahi, Episode 87

"Give theater people the vaccine last."

— Reid, Episode 200

"In the wise words of Shania Twain, I don't impress me much."

— Reid, Episode 237

"I went into the woods and I tried to bury myself."

— Emily Wexler, Episode 130

"This is like if they did Star Wars at the National Theatre."

— Reid, Episode 282

"He literally spits in my face. And I was into it until that moment."

— Victor Lozano, Episode 54

"If you want joy, make joy, make God damn joy."

— Bill T. Jones, Episode 155

"I told them that I'd rather eat glass than do Cats."

— Reid, Episode 75

"Secrets are the essence of relationships."

— Reid, Episode 286

"Al Pacino walks like an anchovy and looks like an unmade bunk bed."

— Reid, Episode 119

"And they're fucking as she rides off the stage on the horse with him. I told you, I told you there was sex in ballet."

— Reid, Episode 314

"Europe is not funny."

— Jack, Episode 18

"I want my penis to be contained, but I want my legs to be free."

— Reid, Episode 327

"He put the plate in front of me and said, ‘It’s really hot.’ And in my mind: touch the plate."

— Stuart Singer, Episode 234

"Jack could pack every essential thing into a little pouch — just some jewels and pills."

— Reid, Episode 409

"If you arrive at certitude, then that’s bad. It’s over."

— Tere O'Connor, Episode 69

"Broadway is truly anti-intellectual."

— Reid, Episode 300

"Tour life is a tragic life."

— Reid, Episode 127

"Orange juice is an abstraction of an orange."

— Reid, Episode 348

"Fame, a little. Fortune, not so much. Instagram, nailing it."

— James Whiteside, Episode 51

"Thank God there's something gay in this film."

— Reid, Episode 339

"If anyone wants to tell you what to do, tell them to go fuck themselves."

— Reid, Episode 375

"Dentists do aesthetic things... It really is like a fake profession."

— Reid, Episode 414

"This is why social dance doesn't work in this country because there are these bitches out there. There's me, I know."

— Jeremy, Episode 333

"Musical theater music nowadays... is so easy and cheap. It's insane."

— Reid, Episode 256

"Black Swan's a documentary."

— Reid, Episode 73

"My house smells like a funeral parlor, but it looks lovely."

— Jeremy, Episode 318

"I don’t even like movies about guys, but there was enough girl stuff going on that I thought: love."

— Reid, Episode 446

"It is utterly absurd. It's somewhere between Showgirls and Black Swan."

— Reid, Episode 37

"You don't need to watch Stranger Things. You can just go to a fucking Pizza Hut in New Jersey."

— Reid, Episode 113

"Open that can of worms. Of Pringles."

— Jack, Episode 63

"I want to let you know that my brain is not working. My pain level’s a little high… I feel extraordinarily impatient."

— Reid, Episode 68

"To charge $75 for tickets, because there's like a demand for them is a... Broadway practice. And it's evil."

— Reid, Episode 277

"When you’re getting a slice of pie at a bakery, just say, put it in my hand."

— Reid, Episode 225

"Hitler? Not great."

— Jeremy, Episode 383

"When people get that famous, they say the stupidest things."

— Reid, Episode 94

"He just looked at me and said, well, aren't you proud of yourself?"

— Peter Sparling, Episode 18

"You are not a unicorn. You are a basic bitch, honey."

— Reid, Episode 444

"Call Me By My Statutory Rape."

— Jack, Episode 74

"If you're going to die, die in Hawaii."

— Jack, Episode 136

"We’re living in a murderous time and we’re having a great time right here tonight and that’s medicine."

— Jack, Episode 12

"All my money is gone, but my teeth are new."

— Reid, Episode 424

"The movies are over. It's official."

— Reid, Episode 441

"Pie over cake every day."

— Jeremy, Episode 390

"The empathy service window closed years and years ago for me."

— Jack, Episode 177

"I was guarding my butthole because I had to make sure that I wasn't going to shit the bed."

— Reid, Episode 131

"Turns out rape is a goldmine for a comic and a nightmare for a human."

— Adrienne Truscott, Episode 119

"I'm going to come in with a huge hat. And pearls."

— Reid, Episode 126

"My gender can be described as the ocean."

— Reid, Episode 70

"I am fast tilting into all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

— Jack, Episode 90

"If someone wants to tell you a dream, you really have to be in a place, I have all the time in the world, I might as well just have someone talk at me."

— Reid, Episode 165

"America has never been great."

— Jack, Episode 158

"I’m going to strip naked in front of a stranger and we’ll see how it goes."

— Reid, Episode 341

"Why do anything unless you're going to put it on the internet?"

— Reid, Episode 2

"OK, so look, I'm no fascist, but like you, United States people have been given too many freedoms, quite frankly."

— Reid, Episode 159

"The men looking bloated and rich and the women looking... their faces absolutely distorted."

— Reid, Episode 206

"Knowledge is disappointment. And in that disappointment, you can use it for revenge, which is my favorite."

— Reid, Episode 69

"We don't wait in lines ever. Reid and I won't even wait for five minutes."

— Jack, Episode 54

"What brings me joy is writing stupid captions... What does not bring me joy is feeling like I'm peddling my wares."

— James Whiteside, Episode 3

"Good art should actually not be for everybody. And in fact, it should be against some people."

— Jack, Episode 200

"People's foul effluvium is just drifting through our halls."

— Jack, Episode 196

"This dance would be excellent for a school. Like a high school."

— Reid, Episode 274

"If you don't eat, you die."

— Jeremy, Episode 342

"Listen, if we choose your book for this podcast, it's going to be read to filth."

— Reid, Episode 403

"Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me, Argentina."

— Reid, Episode 293

"Jesus was seen in Ohio."

— Jeremy, Episode 288

"Being bored... it is worse than physical pain."

— Isaac Mizrahi, Episode 88

"Frank Lloyd Wright, slay all day. Frank Gehry, go fuck yourself."

— Reid, Episode 335

"If you don't go to therapy, you either become a victim or a perp."

— Jack, Episode 164

"I love you. All of you out there in the dark."

— Jack, Episode 200

"For us, the creatine is not a means towards getting muscles. It's just a means towards not dying."

— Reid, Episode 438

"It’s more like I feel occupied by dance. Beautiful. I allow myself to be occupied, dominated, pushed around."

— Collier Schorr, Episode 129

"You look like a witch. Eileen Fisher witch."

— Jack, Episode 47

"Meryl Streep as the stove."

— Reid, Episode 316

"When I woke up yesterday... it felt as if I was going to try to have to heave a corpse out of my bed, and that corpse was my own body."

— Reid, Episode 43

"One follower a day keeps suicide away."

— Jack, Episode 147

"The premise of this podcast is tired, middle-aged gay arts person tortures listeners by not preparing episodes, but keeps releasing episodes out of guilt."

— Reid, Episode 235

"Art making is a privilege, not a right."

— Bill T. Jones, Episode 155

"Don't push me, push a Push Pop."

— Jack, Episode 21

"Famous gay doctor. They're not famous for being good. They're just famous for being gay."

— Reid, Episode 84

"If you jump off a giant boat like that, at what point are you dead?"

— Jeremy, Episode 290

"I would love to know if Martha Graham ever saw Cats."

— Jack, Episode 152

"I got bamboozled by beauty."

— Jeremy, Episode 253

"I’ve been ejected from the club. I absolutely got ejected."

— Reid, Episode 214

"A podcast doesn't need to be a podcast. That's the lesson of this podcast."

— Reid, Episode 369

"I don’t like theater because I hate theater."

— Reid, Episode 78

"I think I’m just going to eventually turn into a black stone."

— Jack, Episode 59

"The DMV will be exactly the same when we're wiped off the planet."

— Reid, Episode 106

"I hate people explaining their work to me. I hate it."

— Reid, Episode 141

"Airplanes are literally just cans of soup hurtling through the sky."

— Jeremy, Episode 365

"The scenes where Tom Cruise just listens are sensational."

— Reid, Episode 339

"Dance, to me, out of all the art forms, is the one that is the closest to death."

— Jack, Episode 192

"If you want to destroy art, just have a board."

— Reid, Episode 411

"Nobody looks at my vagina except God."

— Jack, Episode 7

"It’s six hours too long."

— Reid, Episode 117

"I thought a two-hander meant jacking off, and I was like, ‘That’s disgusting.’"

— Erin Markey, Episode 49

"I would have called emergency services and said, okay, I have some friends. They live in Germantown. I don't know their address, but they're gay. Find them!"

— Reid, Episode 299

"James Cameron has terrible taste, and he's groundbreaking."

— Jeremy, Episode 361

"I feel like we just went to an unhinged gay psychic."

— Reid, Episode 370

"Look, Tim Gunn is going to die in his apartment with a bowl of spaghetti on his lap with a towel."

— Reid, Episode 431

"This is the kind of interaction that would keep me at home."

— Reid, Episode 421

"Have a snack handy, girl. My blood sugar crashed just watching it."

— Reid, Episode 35

"I don’t know what it is you do, darling. And I don’t know what it is you’re good at. It ain’t dancing."

— Jack, Episode 297

"The only thing good about Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan is that they're dead."

— Jack, Episode 181

"All of the windows have been blacked out with black cardboard and black felt. It's a very crystal meth moment."

— Jack, Episode 41

"Museums are dead to me. I'm just going off memory from now on."

— Reid, Episode 365

"A ballet about the need for therapy."

— Jeremy, Episode 366

"We’re just dust. We have to be honest about these things."

— Reid, Episode 75

"Shower less, journal more, okay?"

— Jeremy, Episode 445

"I really hate obsequious dogs."

— Reid, Episode 193

"I gained 110 pounds from our ecstatic domesticity — nibbling on cashews before dinner, smoked oysters after sex, and ice cream for breakfast."

— Reid, Episode 238

"I cannot have pickled onions in the middle of my cake."

— Reid, Episode 442

"This is costume. This is not going for realism in costuming. This is costume."

— Reid, Episode 238

"If you want to take a nap, just turn that right on."

— Reid, Episode 442

"There is no healing and there is no redemption."

— Jack, Episode 181

"Witches’ privilege is amazing."

— Jack, Episode 165

"I made coffee. And my Reese Witherspoon Fountain of Youth Smoothie."

— Jack, Episode 190

"Terry Gross came in my ears."

— Reid, Episode 123

"Why, after this very, very long successful career, do I feel ashamed at this point? Why?"

— Wendy Whelan, Episode 71

"So my response to that... was to say that now I'm teaching potato method instead of Pilates."

— Anula Maiberg, Episode 9

"Assistant, get rid of her."

— Jack, Episode 22

"Everything is wrong. And that's part of the experience of living."

— Reid, Episode 318

"Jerking off a whale. A small whale. A beluga."

— Reid, Episode 145

"If your insurance doesn't cover it, it might be a cult."

— Reid, Episode 181

"They should just call the whole thing Blowjob."

— Reid, Episode 219

"I run on two tracks, love and vengeance."

— Jack, Episode 21

"Why does it have to look this disgusting?"

— Reid, Episode 124

"You gotta have a really clean toilet when you have guests."

— Reid, Episode 437

"Command W is the PrEP of the internet."

— Reid, Episode 139

"Balanchine had a black lung. I’ve got a black lung. I want you to give me a pack of steroids. I want you to give me some antibiotics."

— Reid, Episode 27

"You can see drugs floating in the air."

— Jeremy, Episode 393

"Therapy is not hanging out with like an acquaintance of a friend of yours getting banana bread."

— Jack, Episode 29

"Intellectual dilemmas and problem solving... is not enough to make a piece. You have to have heart."

— Pam Tanowitz, Episode 17

"If Lydia Tár got fired, this guy’s got to get fired."

— Reid, Episode 291

"I’m coming up on 18 years with my therapist, the longest relationship of my life."

— Jack, Episode 155

"The who's who of who cares."

— Jack, Episode 1

"You look like horror movie Mickey Mouse."

— Reid, Episode 84

"I love revenge. I love revenge. It's really one of my favorites."

— Reid, Episode 3

"I just texted someone today... 'I’m dragging my own corpse.'"

— Reid, Episode 43

"If you ask me anything, I'll say paint it black."

— Reid, Episode 14

"It's Memorial Day. You know, there's genocide."

— Jeremy, Episode 362

"I have diarrhea every day, but I’m here."

— Heather Lang, Episode 5

"Those are the two sides of that argument. The pro-choice people and the Nazis."

— Reid, Episode 315

"Porn virus is a great title for a show."

— Reid, Episode 127

"There has to be a floppy appendage in the form of breasts or a penis, or it's just like it's, it's worthless."

— Jack, Episode 184

"I love when everything's dead because it makes me feel more alive."

— Jack, Episode 64

"The power of celebrity will turn you into a movie star, even if you are not good at acting."

— Reid, Episode 223

"This is conceptual art. Non-consensual conceptual art."

— Reid, Episode 216

"Show me a chart. Show me a graph. Show me the warrant. Show me the proof."

— Reid, Episode 396

"I have depleted my serotonin levels because I went out line dancing until after midnight last night."

— Reid, Episode 358

"Museums designed as amusement parks? Good idea."

— Reid, Episode 341

"Tonight I want to just do something I like to call taking it easy on stage."

— Reid, Episode 49

"One should be living in one’s own house, not someone else’s."

— Reid, Episode 300

"They're delicious. You just pop them in your mouth. Beaks and all."

— Jibz Cameron aka Dynasty Handbag, Episode 22

"I stub a toe—two years later my toe still hurts."

— Reid, Episode 222

"It feels like someone's shoulder checking you and going, hey whore, welcome home."

— Reid, Episode 136

"Don't trust a fart over 30."

— Jack, Episode 2

"In my experience, most of them are trash."

— Jack, Episode 185

"My dream is no email."

— Jeremy, Episode 290

"Ballet is now just Instagram."

— Russell Janzen, Episode 185

"Me and Gregory Spears will write the opera for All About Eve."

— Jack, Episode 33

"Seattle is the most unstylish place in the world, I have to say."

— Reid, Episode 244

"Nothing has given me such like homework vibes as reading this book."

— Jeremy, Episode 285

"I am like the Venn diagram of two Aquariuses who are David Lynch and Carol Channing."

— Jack, Episode 182

"A ticket to watch the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade? ... That would be truly a nightmare."

— Jack, Episode 48

"If Cunningham was like a stripper."

— Reid, Episode 11

"It makes you tougher, but I think it also made me never trust anything that is going well."

— Jean-Marc Puissant, Episode 62

"This is unscripted, scripted fiction."

— Jeremy, Episode 292

"I want my deli meat to sort of fall apart when I pick it up. I don't want it to have structural integrity from the thickness. That's grotesque."

— Reid, Episode 212

"I love, love, love, love full anesthesia."

— Reid, Episode 275

"It was a full explosion… I looked like Wile E. Coyote."

— Jack, Episode 32

"The calcification of the spirit. We have to avoid it."

— Reid, Episode 385

"This is not a history podcast. No, no — this is a mistakes podcast."

— Reid, Episode 312

"Get out of New York. No. Have one or two cigarettes a day... do six drops of oil of oregano every day..."

— Reid, Episode 142

"The Europeans must be stopped."

— Jeremy, Episode 453

"I want to be burned up into ashes and thrown in the garbage."

— Reid, Episode 64

"That dance is irresponsible."

— Jack, Episode 101

"Just because it feels good doesn't mean it looks good."

— Jack, Episode 74

"Arrest them. Is this complicated?"

— Reid, Episode 310

"Men in ballet walk off stage and suck each other's dick."

— Reid, Episode 16

"I want them like literally banned from the dance world because it’s literally poisoning the minds of dance goers."

— Reid, Episode 20

"Suicide Wednesday."

— Jack, Episode 5

"People love that. They love having their face hammered."

— Jack, Episode 178

"Bob was in the middle of making reliefs of body parts… enlisted me — or rather my vulva… I farted… the escaping gas left a gouge in the still-soft material."

— Reid, Episode 241

"Nobody wants to be presented with a digital video to experience that's more than five minutes. It's torture."

— Jack, Episode 153

"We have to support one another as these weird, gross, shit-filled human animals that walk this earth and talk to one another."

— Reid, Episode 334

"This is not your party. This is mine."

— Jack, Episode 15

"It's so easy to destroy. It's so easy to be hideous. It's so hard to be generous, to be kind, to be vulnerable and intimate."

— Lar Lubovitch, Episode 21

"This is why no one should exercise."

— Jeremy, Episode 315

"No one dies at Disney World."

— Jack, Episode 7

"This is a movie made by a toddler who was given a lot of money."

— Jeremy, Episode 355

"People know that I will literally risk my life for a bra."

— Reid, Episode 400

"They did a program of pure European garbage."

— Reid, Episode 22

"People need to do more chores."

— Jeremy, Episode 427

"Remain hopeless."

— Reid, Episode 220

"Well, I’ve got news for you, lady, your friend is dead."

— Jack, Episode 137

"To dance this way, you have to take everything off. Expression, persona, personality, your very self must go."

— Russell Janzen, Episode 312

"I fully soaked a dish rag in my snot and tears."

— Jeremy, Episode 259

"One kind of realizes that this experience of a burger is really an experience of condiments."

— Reid, Episode 351

"Mary Poppins is hideous."

— Reid, Episode 342

"America is like the teenagers of the world."

— Reid, Episode 163

"All spouses die."

— Jack, Episode 11

"Yawning is just a sign that you want to stay awake."

— Reid, Episode 431

"Mulholland Drive... is the best documentary about LA. And I also feel Showgirls is just one of the best documentaries about America."

— Jack, Episode 59

"Money walks in and art walks out."

— Lar Lubovitch, Episode 21

"America has really turned into an ugly, ugly party. It's just like, where's my car?"

— Reid, Episode 187

"Children's Theater of Feminism 101 starring America Ferrera."

— Reid, Episode 320

"I'm sending you my holes."

— Reid, Episode 433

"It’s like a stable of horses. You have this company, these thoroughbreds, and people can come in and do what they want with them."

— Reid, Episode 162

"I just added honey to milk until it turns the color of a gorgeous pair of Ralph Lauren khaki pants."

— Reid, Episode 278

"Cut to 1 a.m. — I wake up and I’m like, I need those Cheetos. I need it."

— Reid, Episode 2

"Eating a chip is nice. Eating a banana is disgusting."

— Reid, Episode 417

"As Bob the Drag Queen would say: pride will be your downfall—and pride was my downfall."

— Bobby Briscoe, Episode 222

"I soared in such a way that my butt is sore. I soared and I'm sore."

— Reid, Episode 317

"One of the worst things that ever happened to culture is Aquaman."

— Reid, Episode 390

"Horror does feel like the right medium right now for the world we live in."

— Jack, Episode 58

"It's like eating your ass... It's a real self-human centipede, you know?"

— Reid, Episode 3